How to Cure Chafing.

Has there ever been a time when you just didn’t like someone? Or, what about a time when a friend – even a close friend – did something that rubbed you the wrong way?

I’ve noticed that every once in a while, someone won’t sit right with me. Maybe they make fun of me, hurt a friend of mine, or (confession time) I just find them really annoying.  But whatever the reason, their personality bristles against mine. For the purpose of this post, we’ll call it Chafing.

Each Chafing disconcerts me. It’s uncomfortable. It stands out. I’ve tried ignoring it, and moving on, but I’ve found that this particular inaction doesn’t result in much comfort. So, over the past few years, I’ve come up with a kind of strategy. A little method I implement, to try to soothe the sting.

Now presenting…

How to Cure Chafing:

Or, What I Do When I Dislike Someone

1) Identify the Problem.

               
First, I have to become cognizant of the Chafing. This sounds like a no-brainer, but often stuff goes on in our hearts we’re unaware of. There’s a big difference between being apathetic about a person, and thinking of them, however unconsciously, as a Chafer - if you will.

2) Repent and Realign the Heart.

I don’t think it’s a sin to dislike people. However, I’ve found, in my life, it’s often a symptom of a bigger problem. I’ve never disliked someone for no reason. Every Chafing has a catalyst.

I dislike a peer for getting something I want (envy/selfishness). I dislike a friend because they don’t treat me the way I think I deserve (pride). I dislike a co-worker for shirking responsibility and making me pick up the slack (gracelessness/impatience). Sometimes, I dislike people just because I’m having a bad day, or because I find them inconvenient (anger, arrogance).

Christ saved me with grace, when I was useless and dead in my sin. In the times when I’m tempted to be snarky or cold toward a Chafer, I repent. I ask God to realign my heart with His.

3) Pray.

I believe there’s a reason Christ tells us, “Love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you” (Mt. 5:44). It’s hard to dislike - or even hate - someone you pray for. I ask God to make clear the reason I lack peace with the Chafer. I’ll ask, flat out, “God, why is it I don’t like them?” Then I ask Him for new mercy and grace, and a right heart. Lastly, I just pray for blessing and favor in the Chafer’s life.

Rarely does this prayer actually change the person I’m having difficulty with. But it does change my heart for them. I think maybe that’s the point.

4) Look for Christ.

Martin Luther King, Jr. said, most effectively: “When you come to the point that you look in the face of every man and see deep down within him what religion calls ‘the image of God,’ you begin to love him in spite of. No matter what he does, you see God’s image there. There is an element of goodness that he can never sluff off. Discover the element of good in your enemy. And as you seek to hate him, find the center of goodness and place your attention there and you will take a new attitude.”

Whenever I remind myself that the Chafer I’m struggling with is made in the image of God, it’s just about impossible for me to continue disliking them.

5) Remember the Grace I Have Been Given.

We’ve all fallen short of the glory of God. When I’m tempted to be unloving toward a Chafer, or react insensitively to a Chafing, I ask Jesus for a reminder of His grace in my life. 

There’s an unseen war being waged in our lives, every day. I think if we knew just how consistently evil spirits attempt to manipulate and pressure us in our conversations and relationships with other people, we’d have more grace for each other.

6) Protect Them.

Usually, when a Chafing upsets me, I’m immediately tempted to spread details to others about how the person hurt me, or gossip about their foibles and weaknesses. It requires a lot of prayer to bite my lip. I confess I’ve given in, more than once. But love protects all things. 

7) Choose to Care.

Once my heart is on the road to being in the right place (though it’s a never-ending process), this little formula becomes more outward. I choose to care for my Chafer through actions. Basically, I seek to be a friend to them. If I know they have a test coming up, I ask if I can pray for them. If I know they’re in the middle of mounting a business venture, a production, or a concert, I’ll send a message letting them know they’re on my mind. If I know they can’t get away from their work for dinner, I offer to bring them food, etc. etc.

The funny thing about choosing to care is: you usually end up caring for real.

8) Seek Out Their Story.

So many of my Chafings could have been resolved from the start, if I’d stopped to listen to the person’s story before I cast stones.

A friend of mine recently developed a habit of finding fault in everything. Complaining is near the top of my list of pet peeves, and consequently, his consistent negativity was on its way to becoming a Chafing in my life. Every time he opened his mouth, it was to point out something that was wrong. And then I remembered… Three months ago, this same friend told me his father has cancer. I didn’t put two and two together at the time, but then, like putting on a pair of 3-D glasses, everything fuzzy came into focus. My friend complains about everything right now, because there’s this huge oppressive force in his life – his dad’s illness – he can’t fix. He’s compensating by venting, and trying to control what he can.

I doubt he realizes, even now, what he’s doing. But I do. And it makes me have compassion for him. It’s hard to dislike a Chafer once you understand their story.

9) Love Without Expectation.

Lastly, I try to love without expectation. 

The fact of the matter is, the #1 thing that causes me to dislike someone is the fact they are not me.

They don’t run their life as I think they should. They don’t treat people like I think they should. They don’t try to be x, y, or z - like I think they should. When I’m Chafing, it’s usually because I’m trying to remake people in my image, and we’re not lining up. And we shouldn’t! My friends aren’t created in my image. They’re created in God’s. (Hallelujah! Let’s all take a moment to be thankful.)

I guess, in the end, I’m the real one responsible for Chafing. I can’t control the actions of others, nor can I hold anyone to the same standard I hold myself. (That’s a huge lesson.) But I can change my attitude, and by the grace of God, my heart.

               
 So, now. I fight on my knees. I clothe myself in prayer, instead of dissension. Love covers a multitude of sins, after all. And the extra layers protect against the Chafe. ;).

Without wax,

Sarah.